This is something i'm reluctant to talk about. But I'm bothered with how people judge me. Especially my family....
I just dun get it.. Why whatever or anything that i done is never right. I'm always a rebellious, selfish and attitude fucker in their eyes. Dun even wanna say if i ***, will they weep? Cux i know for sure the ans is yes. Only that i'm sure of.
Had a heated argument over the dinner on SAT last week with my mum. Over money. I seriously dun get it, why i always had in mind of them, but it seems never enough for them. And i tot supporting myself in transport, food, leisure was already enuff. Where they had to pay bills and my school fees was much easier. I even did my own necessities. Now they expect more from me. Now i know why no matter how many aunties i knew that said i'm quite thoughtful is never considered a praise to me was becux i can't get my parents affirmation that i am. I HATE THIS. REALLY! Bottom of my heart, this is why i'm started to look up to money. MONEY IS SO IMPT!
And this week, in fact JUST, with my brother. Over his god damn it camera! everytime i quarrel over this issue, it makes me so so so SO much wanted to buy a god damn it camera and throw at him. And i wished i own one too! I had the ability to buy one. But i can't bear the tot of wasting my money. YES, i'm selfish just like him. Tads y our argument will never end. And everytime we quarrel, it just make me think of that incident, tad incident that makes me so much wanna cry everytime i think of it. Till now, its so fresh on my mind. This whole life, i'll never forget those words and those things he did. NEVER! And why do my SATs always ended up like this.. I hope i could moved out. Never in my life i felt so strongly about that. Though i know the cons will be over the pros. Anyway, i do not have a place or rather my corner in this house. I'm considered room-less. To me, it does matters. It signify a holding in this house. And yes, i'm running away from this fucking family issue i do not want to face. Its draining me.
Maybe this whole fucking issues is about me. I'm the one at fault. I'm the one with attitude. I'm the one who deserves all unfair treatment. I'm the one who should move out. I'm the one who should be more obedient. I dunno what else i could do. Maybe not talking, not being in this family, maybe that might do better for them. Just be a tenant, i should be that. Cux i'm slowly feeling i'm not a member of this family anymore........... I should be more selfish.... Please dun turn me into an unfeeling bastard.
